Slowing Down

I need to take a step back.  Breathe.  Reflect. Re-evaluate.  I need a moment of clarity.  However, the stresses of my life is slowly blurring my vision.  I cannot rid the smell of guilt, pride, and ignorance.  It is all around me.  My senses are slowly shutting down.  But maybe these feelings are like quicksand.  I can stand still for a moment.  Then, escape.  However, I need to stop escaping.  I need to face the problems head on.  Easier said than done.

WEIRD @$$ DREAMS!

So two nights ago, I had a dream that me and a bunch of leadership students from lasgs were running around LA. I don't remember if we were running away from somebody or getting something from somebody who wasn't giving it up.  And in the beginning of the dream, I was practicing to be a cheerleader O.o

It was bloody bizarre.
And then last night, I had a dream about someone telling me and old physics major friend (who i will obviously not name) to do some drug called mace. And this drug would get us drunk.  And we hesitantly said yes but we had to kiss the dealer to get it.  So physic major friend kisses dealer and then proceeds to kiss me but before he does, he says he's only kissed two other girls, and i'm like i have never kissed anyone.  and then we kiss but i eff up the kiss.  but we laugh it off and then decide to practice! WTF!  and this friend was much taller in my dream.

My dreams are really starting to freak me out.

So i havent blogged in a while and really havent been in the mood to. Because if i do, it will all become a reality. I dont want to leave. I dont want to say goodbye. I dont want to leave my job or friends i have made here. But i wanted to say more than 140 character tweet.

Cognitive dissonance. That is what my mind is going through.

Senioritis

I have a major case of Senioritis.  All I do is sleep and eat.  Avoid writing my thesis.  Ditch Edu 173.  Go to the mall.  Avoid writing my plasma lab.  Life really sucks at the moment.  What happened to my motivation?  I have never been this lazy before! Even senior year of high school was not this unproductive.  Honestly, these days I feel like a robot.  I have a to-do list that needs to be accomplished but not conation (edu 173 is good for something) behind it.  I sometimes have the volition but I feel like the computer-model of the mind.  I use cognition but it is not affected by motivation or volition.  I'm a walking robot with no emotions.  It's almost as if I am numb from the world.  I can't feel my surroundings anymore.  I am seriously not trying to sound emo or dark or sad.  I just feel cut off.  Like I have no connection to the world.  Almost like I'm an outsider watching the world go by.  I don't know why.

Confuzzled

Just a moment ago, I was going to switch to XANGA completely for blogging purposes but now I want to switch to Blogger completely.  Why can I make up my mind.  You might think it is a stupid dilemma but I guess I want to preserve my Xanga.  I was still members of certain blogrings that I joined in high school.  Heck, I was even an admin for a group - I Need Anger Management! I would have a group like that, especially in high school.  I guess, I need to a new space to grow and have a bit more mature blogs.  I should really switch to a physical journal.  Too bad I can't type fast enough.   Anyways, I'll think about it later.  I need to read for Edu 173 since I ditched class.

So I have decided to clog through text messaging and just wanted to make sure it works. I hope this keep me occupied when I'm waiting at the doctors office or if im in the car with the parents.

Blogging

Well, I have a problem with keeping up a blog. Last post was September 21, 2009! Well, I think I will go back to my Xanga but I do like this forum as well. But I am just so much more comfortable with Xanga, I've had it since 9th grade! So long ago! I need some personal growth because I still type the same way and feel the same way about certain situations which is ridiculous since it has been so many years! Anyways, I wanted to type an intelligent post but it looks I am not. So I shall put you guys out of your miseries and mine as well and end this post. =D
Have a great Sunday afternoon!