It is blog writing season for me. December is my emo-i'm-getting-older-and-still-no-improvement-in-the-love-department. January is i'm-trying-not-to-be-emo-and-put-on-a-happy-face-so-i-can-tell-life-to-suck-it. February is another-reason-why-i-dread-my-non-existent-love-life-because-everyone-else-around-me-has-it month. I know I am being over-dramatic but as one of my students said today, "Miss you should be in drama class"
The way that my brain has been acting is a indicator of how alone I am going to be in the future. I will always have high expectations of a man that does not exist. I need to stop tripping about a man and worry about my self-esteem, which has always been a problem. I cannot be a mother because I am to messed up in the head and deal with kids on a daily basis so why would I add one in my personal space. Just the thought of me thinking a child of mine would be burden implies many negative things.
Maybe this is stress talking instead of somewhat calm, not really Nazia.
Wow. I really need to steer back towards Emofest! So I told Anat, that on V-Day I'm going to wear ALL BLACK to be anti-Valentine. So I have another problem on my hand! I want to be the Grinch during Christmas, be an anti-love symbol on Valentine's Day. What else will I go against?
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
How A Relationship Works
This is a list that me and Najia made in college right before finals! TOO FUNNY!
How a Relationship Works by Nazia and Najia
*night before physics final, our random thoughts*
Friendship
mutual understanding
companion that understands you and accepts you
fun person
analyze world kinda have same ideals
sharing interest not imposing
(understanding & sharing-accepting)
Dating (not relationship)
simple things w/meaning
write song
BE CREATIVE
courteous/gentleman
don't enable them -don't baby them-
surprises -little & big-
fresh and original
Relationship (non-physical)
appreciation
honesty
trust them completely
respect
tell it like it is
genuine
don't be typical
be yourself
your significant other is not a prize aka eye candy
don't lie! esp about the fat dress
communication
enjoying each others company
(BE YOURSELF -it will either make or break the relationship-)
Relationship (physical)
like something about them
be somewhat attracted
sparks
not TOO many emotions
hands to yourself in public/or in general
not too attached
don't be easy
use protection
ask don't assume
mutual or going to jail
love
(mutual)
LOVE
HONESTY
TRUST
SPONTANEOUS
THINGS TO MAKE YOUR DAY
~random thoughts from the night~
"if your baby is a hot honey, she is now a honey roasted ham"
*night before physics final, our random thoughts*
Friendship
mutual understanding
companion that understands you and accepts you
fun person
analyze world kinda have same ideals
sharing interest not imposing
(understanding & sharing-accepting)
Dating (not relationship)
simple things w/meaning
write song
BE CREATIVE
courteous/gentleman
don't enable them -don't baby them-
surprises -little & big-
fresh and original
Relationship (non-physical)
appreciation
honesty
trust them completely
respect
tell it like it is
genuine
don't be typical
be yourself
your significant other is not a prize aka eye candy
don't lie! esp about the fat dress
communication
enjoying each others company
(BE YOURSELF -it will either make or break the relationship-)
Relationship (physical)
like something about them
be somewhat attracted
sparks
not TOO many emotions
hands to yourself in public/or in general
not too attached
don't be easy
use protection
ask don't assume
mutual or going to jail
love
(mutual)
LOVE
HONESTY
TRUST
SPONTANEOUS
THINGS TO MAKE YOUR DAY
~random thoughts from the night~
"if your baby is a hot honey, she is now a honey roasted ham"
Weird Death Dream
From my Facebook note:
i had the weirdest freaking dream last night! my dad and i were trying to escape some organization trying to kill us. but they offered safety for my sis if she killed me. she had the option of knife or injection. so she decides to tell me that the org. wants to kill me. and i say just kill me because if you don't do it now they will keep on hunting me down. she then sticks the injection in my tongue and i slowly start dying. so that made me think about what i would want to do in my last few hours of living . . .
What would you do?
______________________________
To be completely honest (without the holes of my FB note), in my dream I was telling my dad and sister to tell everyone I love them and will miss them. But even as I am dying I kept thinking I want to tell him that I loved him. But even death cannot overcome my _________ (will? shame? stubborness?) to send him that message.
So it always comes back to him. Even as I am dying I am thinking I need to tell him. WHAT THE FUCK! yeah i said the f-word. I cannot believe I would think of that as I am fake-dying in my dream. I should be thinking about how I am dying alone or something. ugh.
This is a question for Allah: WHY DO I THINK OF HIM?! WHY? There has to be a reason why my mind always reverts back to him. I know he isn't the one. I know that. But why?!
i had the weirdest freaking dream last night! my dad and i were trying to escape some organization trying to kill us. but they offered safety for my sis if she killed me. she had the option of knife or injection. so she decides to tell me that the org. wants to kill me. and i say just kill me because if you don't do it now they will keep on hunting me down. she then sticks the injection in my tongue and i slowly start dying. so that made me think about what i would want to do in my last few hours of living . . .
What would you do?
______________________________
To be completely honest (without the holes of my FB note), in my dream I was telling my dad and sister to tell everyone I love them and will miss them. But even as I am dying I kept thinking I want to tell him that I loved him. But even death cannot overcome my _________ (will? shame? stubborness?) to send him that message.
So it always comes back to him. Even as I am dying I am thinking I need to tell him. WHAT THE FUCK! yeah i said the f-word. I cannot believe I would think of that as I am fake-dying in my dream. I should be thinking about how I am dying alone or something. ugh.
This is a question for Allah: WHY DO I THINK OF HIM?! WHY? There has to be a reason why my mind always reverts back to him. I know he isn't the one. I know that. But why?!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Anger to Sister
Anger to Sister : Oct 6, 2005
hEy . . .
wOah i am one moody person.
yesterday i was friggen angry
at everything and everyone
even at myself
if you were wondering
why i'm mad at myself
woah there are lots of reasons
one, why do i like a guy
that doesn't feel the same way
two, i should apply to more
private colleges
three, i should be studying
four, i shouldn't be mad
at everyone while i'm fasting
five, my life sucks
six, i'm a damned coward
seven, i need to stop complaining
eight, i'm selfish
ok back to everything and everyone else
even though i'm referring to #8
why do i feel like no one at school
really cares what the hell i do
like my closest friends
i am being selfish
that's why i'm mad i think
maybe i'm wrong
at least i know i got my
sister who has my back even though
she goes to a different school
even though we barely see each other
we barely talk to each other anymore
she still gets me
even friends of the same race as me
don't understand as much as her
it's crazy how we're still tight
after all the "drama" we went through
in middle school, you'd think we'd be
just friends, not sisters, crazy how
God works the world
woah i just proved i have an
attention span of a minute
because i totally went off topic but
who the hell cares?
bye.forever.wishful.thinking.
wOah i am one moody person.
yesterday i was friggen angry
at everything and everyone
even at myself
if you were wondering
why i'm mad at myself
woah there are lots of reasons
one, why do i like a guy
that doesn't feel the same way
two, i should apply to more
private colleges
three, i should be studying
four, i shouldn't be mad
at everyone while i'm fasting
five, my life sucks
six, i'm a damned coward
seven, i need to stop complaining
eight, i'm selfish
ok back to everything and everyone else
even though i'm referring to #8
why do i feel like no one at school
really cares what the hell i do
like my closest friends
i am being selfish
that's why i'm mad i think
maybe i'm wrong
at least i know i got my
sister who has my back even though
she goes to a different school
even though we barely see each other
we barely talk to each other anymore
she still gets me
even friends of the same race as me
don't understand as much as her
it's crazy how we're still tight
after all the "drama" we went through
in middle school, you'd think we'd be
just friends, not sisters, crazy how
God works the world
woah i just proved i have an
attention span of a minute
because i totally went off topic but
who the hell cares?
bye.forever.wishful.thinking.
found this on my Hi5!! WOW!!! love you ash!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
First Kiss
Every December, since the 12th grade, I have mulled over my lack of romantic life. Before, I had hope that I would meet someone wonderful or get that chance at romance with him. But as the years passed by without a care, my search and hope for love keeps dwindling. At this point, I don't have any hope that I will meet my soulmate or act on my what if. However, this post isn't completely about my love-less life.
Yesterday afternoon, I was listening to the radio and driving, and thought about my first kiss. . . well future first kiss. I am 23 years old and have never been kissed. Hence, the emo party of one during December. My birthday is a constant reminder that another year has passed without any changes. Constant reminder that I am not desirable. Constant reminder that something must be wrong with me if NO ONE wants to lay one on me. Anyway, i was thinking about who I would want my first kiss to be with. And only one person came to mind. It's sad that I would want him to be my first kiss but I assure you that I don't have feelings for him. By kissing him, I would fulfill my desire to have kissed the first guy that I thought I "loved". And I have thought of how it would happen (yes I realize this post is getting more and more pathetic by the minute) and I am the one initiating it. Even my daydreams are telling me how Un-Desirable I feel. Some might be like "oh Naz/Tina you're so picky!" Yes I realize I am a bit selective but not that much! I know I have an impossible wish list but that is for fun.
Okay I just need to end this post. another time
Yesterday afternoon, I was listening to the radio and driving, and thought about my first kiss. . . well future first kiss. I am 23 years old and have never been kissed. Hence, the emo party of one during December. My birthday is a constant reminder that another year has passed without any changes. Constant reminder that I am not desirable. Constant reminder that something must be wrong with me if NO ONE wants to lay one on me. Anyway, i was thinking about who I would want my first kiss to be with. And only one person came to mind. It's sad that I would want him to be my first kiss but I assure you that I don't have feelings for him. By kissing him, I would fulfill my desire to have kissed the first guy that I thought I "loved". And I have thought of how it would happen (yes I realize this post is getting more and more pathetic by the minute) and I am the one initiating it. Even my daydreams are telling me how Un-Desirable I feel. Some might be like "oh Naz/Tina you're so picky!" Yes I realize I am a bit selective but not that much! I know I have an impossible wish list but that is for fun.
Okay I just need to end this post. another time
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